A few Personal Thoughts.
I'd thought I would live my life such that there would be no regrets. I guess I was wrong in assuming my own invincibility. Regrets sink in...always, too late. When all the paths of escape have been closed forever, when you realise that your life has truely turned out to be a complete mess, thanks to your own weak personality, inability to have a firm belief in your own dreams, your own abilities. My creative abilities were never put to test before, no one ever asked or enqired about their fighting capabilities. They are asking now, and I am coping, well enough. But all the paths that would have perhaps led me to that destination of my own ambition, lie forever closed. Today, I truely am bereft of all answers when somebody asks me - what is it that you REALLY want to do?
My mind draws a blank. Like hitting a solid wall. I feel spent of all emotions, all human feelings. Like a lifeless zombie, I lay around, try to spend as much time I can, sleeping. So that I do not ask myself this question - what do you want to do right now? I roam the streets of my beloved city, without any dear friends beside me, or any loved ones. I do not notice anything.
Sometimes the sight of a naked urchin bathing in full glory under the water gushing through the municipality water hoses catch my eye. I yearn for that joy, yet realise that that joy may never come to pass my path. Sometimes a dog sleeping on a bed of sand on a busy causeway, blissfully, as if it were his bedroom, makes me wish such a dreamless, peacefull sleep. Yet I do not feel that i still have miles to go, so i do not sleep. Cause, sleep is all i want to do.
Fall into an endless slumber, never to wake up to my own failures, my own impotency, my own disbelief of my self. If they ask me the name of the one person i distrust the most in all human race today, the answer shall be quick: the name - my own.
My mind draws a blank. Like hitting a solid wall. I feel spent of all emotions, all human feelings. Like a lifeless zombie, I lay around, try to spend as much time I can, sleeping. So that I do not ask myself this question - what do you want to do right now? I roam the streets of my beloved city, without any dear friends beside me, or any loved ones. I do not notice anything.
Sometimes the sight of a naked urchin bathing in full glory under the water gushing through the municipality water hoses catch my eye. I yearn for that joy, yet realise that that joy may never come to pass my path. Sometimes a dog sleeping on a bed of sand on a busy causeway, blissfully, as if it were his bedroom, makes me wish such a dreamless, peacefull sleep. Yet I do not feel that i still have miles to go, so i do not sleep. Cause, sleep is all i want to do.
Fall into an endless slumber, never to wake up to my own failures, my own impotency, my own disbelief of my self. If they ask me the name of the one person i distrust the most in all human race today, the answer shall be quick: the name - my own.
Comments
You know you can't sink further. And that's shanti... Give yourself sometime and you will figure out how you will pull yourself together. It happened to me after I got Master's results and all applications to US universities were turned down. After a tremendous sense of what I will do in life and with no one to share with, I tried to pull myself together and tried to think of ways through which I can go ahead. You'll figure it out, too, and soon... don't worry... it can't get worse than this :)